the equality of love.

to be loved or to love more.

i can't help but ponder about a conversation that my best friend + i had last week. the question i was asked was, in a relationship of two people, does one of those individuals love the other more? in a serious relationship, where both people confess to being madly in love, is there one of them that is actually more in love than the other?

well.. my initial thought is yes. in twenty five years, as many of those close to me know, i have been in a decent amount of relationships. welp, i would go as far as to say there has been minuscule amounts of time in my life where i was actually single. throughout all of those relationships there has always been someone whom i believed was loved less. sometimes it was the person i was with + sometimes it was me. of course at that moment + time i wasn't knowing of this, but looking back analyzations show truth that the relationship did not work, because the love was not equal. but then again ... someone could argue that it was not true or real love if someone was being loved less. love is supposed to be equal. love is supposed to be mutual. love is supposed to be free + real. right? so really how can someone conclude that? who are we to compare each others feelings? that is like comparing our suffering with another's suffering. my love is different than your love. my way of showing love is also different than someone else's way. yes, there are societal expectations of how to show love or how to be in love, but there is no concrete right or wrong way to BE IN love.

love is precious + delicate. well, so are we. we each have had our own experiences. we each have had our own struggle. our own past. you cant take love + life + put numbers to it. feelings are not statistics. feelings are vulnerable + ever changing. love is unique + imperfect. it is not comparable as much as we in this society try to make it. all the medium out there that portrays the 'ideal' act of love- just because love is portrayed in certain ways on the television, in a movie or book, or even in a melody to a song... those outlets of that view of love are there, but it doesn't mean those are the only ways to love or be loved. if someone is in a relationship they have a relationship that NO ONE else in this world has. why? well because you are the only YOU + same goes for the other person in that very relationship. no one else in this world can have that. meaning, how would you ever know if one of you loved the other more? you wouldn't. i mean...you could presume or convince yourself that you love your significant other more because they say 'i love you' less or they don't buy you a gift just because like you do. but isn't that what gets in the way of love in the first place? aren't we distracted by the ideal, perfect love BECAUSE of society? + doesn't that 'ideal love' cause our relationships to fight + struggle + hurt? yes it does. simple answer.

so to me the question is not really, does someone in a relationship love more than their significant other? the question is are you TRULY in love? + guess what? the only way to find that out is to live + love them. it is to grow with that person +  if nothing else learn from each other. people may look at me and think, 'gosh she has been in many relationships.' but who cares? i sure don't. love is an amazing thing. i do not regret a single thing in this world. + i do not care what others think. i only care that i am now certain; due to my past experiences, past loves, past mistakes, that i have found my true love. my penguin. my soul mate. it may have taken years of heartbreak. it may have taken thinking i was in love when i was not. + it may have taken me being in love + losing that to see that my current relationship is equal. it imperfect + real at the same time, + that kind of makes it perfect.

in conclusion; i find questioning whether you are in a relationship where the love is not equal to actually be your loves demise. love is about trusting. if you trust your love + your significant other...let time + life show you if you are equal. if you are meant to be. there is no real concrete way to tell if you are both loving equally. this isn't an equation or a class for one semester in school. this is life + you should be fair to yourself. love fully + everything else will fall into place.

it is something to think about. i love you all. thanks for reading + if you have a different thought process tell me! i'd love to hear them!

xoxo
perfectly imperfect
crystal caisse

nightly gratitude's.

so it has been some time since i have confessed my gratitude's to the universe. i find it necessary to reveal this vulnerable self. to discuss what + whom i am thankful for. it keeps a certain sense of humility + self awareness. it rejuvenates my mind. it makes life almost have more of a meaning. more of a purpose. but most importantly my entries for nightly gratitude's reminds me of what is important + why i am where i am. too often we, as humans, get caught up in the busy day to day tasks. too often we get lost in routine + we lose that spontaneous charisma. we forget, rather lose, that spark that makes life interesting.

since my last nightly gratitude entry a lot has changed in my life. a lot has happened, both good + challenging. i have grown from the twenty year old i was when i started this blog to the twenty five year old i am now.

thus ...

i am grateful for the timeline that creates a life.
i am grateful for the challenge of true love.
i am grateful for my best friend, jami schultz, a.k.a jami james.
i am grateful for second chances.
i am grateful for a forgiving heart.
i am grateful for risk taking.
i am grateful for a driven mind.
i am grateful for dreams having the ability to become reality with the right fight.
i am grateful for freedom.
i am grateful for my past experiences.
i am grateful for kindness, from myself to others + from others to myself.
i am grateful for who i have become in such a short amount of time.
i am grateful for the strength that i have inherited from both my parents + the tribulations of the past.
i am grateful for mistakes.
i am grateful for being lovestrong.
i am grateful for the lifestyle being a vegetarian has brought me.
i am grateful for the dangerous yet beautiful force of hope.
i am grateful for never being ordinary.
i am grateful for the laughing my soulmate brings to me.
i am grateful for my ability to never have given up on love in my twenty five years of life, because if i had given up i would of never met the person i would spend the rest of my life with.
i am grateful for him.
most importantly... i am grateful for the universe. the universe gives me the ability to 'want it all.' the universe has enabled me to dream. the universe has brought to me the good + the bad. the universe has made me who i am today. the universe has created each person, place, or thing to be it's own being. yet the universe leaves it up to us to live out how we want to be. who we want to be. where we want to be. i am grateful for the tools the universe has given me. with those tools i have become who i wanted to become + not what others have wanted or expected. tools such as; a camera to view this universe through my own lens. to create my own perspectives + viewpoints. tools like a keyboard to write my intense feelings + thoughts out in hope of inspiring someone elses universe. or the tool of conversation in which i am able to gain knowledge from others experiences + perspectives. these tools are just some of the many that the universe puts into my hand.


bottom line i am grateful for life + for those who support that life. what are you grateful for? remind yourself of that. i promise it'll create a new you.


much love
xoxo
perfectly imperfectly

crystal kimberly.

critical moments.

so after a month of unemployment i am sitting + reflecting. saying to myself...'what the hell am i doing?' i think, why am i unemployed when i paid 100,000 dollars for this  'pristine' education? this education that is forced into our minds as a must, as a part of 'the american dream.' why have i chosen to quit a job, be so picky with companies to work for, + engage in constant artsy activities? well... after thirty days of reflection + some frustration i can not help but always come back to the want + need for MORE out of life. cliche'? maybe. but hey, cliche's are part of this world for a reason. i looked at my resume + i have done every job i never wanted to. SEVEN years of a lack of passion. i worked solely on the need to pay my loans every month. those loans that i have BECAUSE of the idea of education being this great investment we all must endeavor into. well.. to be frank...if it was such a great investment why am i still living in a small town with a diminishing bank account when i had a 3.8 gpa throughout college? i mean is that measly piece of paper worth that kind investment?

we are told to receive an education from a college of our choice. we are then told to proceed in order to get that amazing job we have all dreamed of our entire lives: a firefighter, an astronaut, a doctor, a journalist, an athlete (hence a little sarcasm) . but what happens when you graduate? six months rolls by + you receive your first loan payment. now you must stop looking for your dream job, + jump into another position just to be able to afford your bills. or there is always the option to go BACK to college to stall from paying your loans... but really all you are doing there is racking up more bills for the future. now this may all sound bitter, but it is reality for more than 37 million americans.

naturally it may seem stupid then that i quit my job when i do have loans to pay. believe me, EVERYONE around me has made that clear. my parents, friends, family. they all ask '...so what are you going to do?!' or there were some that just shook their heads + laughed. however; the timing was essential. everyday being unhappy is not benefiting at all. it isn't good for family, friends, co workers, peers, etc. so i took what i had saved + the lovely money i got back from my taxes + i have been just LIVING. rather than indulging on a crazy vacation, i took a risk + just gave my notice. i have devoted all my free time to getting back in good mental state. i have cleansed my mind + my body. spent time with my family. devoted a lot to my relationship. + things are great. i am redefining who i am as a person + trying to get back on track. that way when i do find the position i would like to pursue i will be fully committed to making it a career. to make a life not just for myself but for my future family.

above is a word i have found that quintessentially defines this time in my life. it has helped me stay on track with my heart + to not give up on MY DREAM. a pessimistic person would look at my situation + say it is a misfortune. i, as a optimistic individual, view everything right now as an opportunity. it was a huge risk giving notice to a job when i had nothing lined up. (of course i have plan b's that i will not go near unless i absolutely have to.) but the best part about a risk is that is brings great reward if your handle it well.

weiji: this is my life right now. i am risking in order to enrich my life.

we must not get swept under ideals of american dreams + corporate structures. just because someone says you should not or could not do something, shouldn't define you + prevent you from being who you want to be. opinion + thoughts of others should not diminish your own opinion + thoughts of this world.  this world is just as much yours as it is everyone else's. it is YOUR decision on how you RISK + ENRICH your life. there is only so much time you can devote to yourself. eventually you will have your own family to support who has their own dreams you must start to support as well. NOW is the time to jump. to be risky + to fall if you have to. we have support systems to help us up when we fall or risk too much. don't be afraid to be blind in a situation. just do. sometimes thinking too much, or writing too many pro + con lists can prevent you from living an experience you would of never lived without jumping.

NOW is your critical moment. what you choose to do with it can impact the rest of your life. so have fun! be real. smile. + stop thinking!

perfectly imperfect
xoxo
crystal kimberly

i love you all.

lullabied love.

lullabied love.

the days felt longer, and the nights felt harder.
seasons changed and it all became a blur.

just when it got so good, it turned so bad.
worries grew and words were never spoken just written on a drawing pad.

question marks filled mason jars while heart beats overtook headphones.
love blew up into a million pieces flying away with the rest of our unknowns.

looking for a hearts shelter, a place to hide away in the night
there it was, in the corner of her sight.

a lullaby, a piece of that love left shattered to the ground
a piece of hope, a lullaby sung and finally found.

so quick, so soon, so lost, so simple.
thoughts ran, and goosebumps turned into a laughs dimple.

peace sat in the shape of a penguin, soulful and free
as one love left, another showed it's face to me.


perfectly imperfect
xoxo
crystal kimberly

nightly gratitudes.

i am grateful for peace.
i am grateful for lullabied love.
i am grateful for maturity + age.
i am grateful for my dreams.
+ i am grateful for my drive to make those dreams come true.
i am grateful for my family.
i am grateful for artistic thoughts.
i am grateful for second chances.
i am grateful for allowing myself to be a free spirit.
i am grateful for butterflies + goosebumps.
i am grateful for friends, lovers, + nothings.
i am grateful for strength.
i am grateful for a timeline to be displayed throughout my body.
i am grateful for originality.
+ lastly i am grateful for my senses. my ability to see, hear, feel, taste, + smell the world around me gives me the ability to live. it allows me to have the best life that there is.

i am grateful for life + for those who support that life.

have an amazing sleep social network world.

much love
xoxo
perfectly imperfectly

crystal kimberly.

our bodies are our stories.

you know when i look at my body the first thing i see is not skin. it is not the imperfect bloat to my stomach. it is not the pimple on my nose or the pink in my hair created from a boredom i could not overcome. the first thing i see is a clean slate. the first thing i see is a story. i see 365 pages waiting to be written on + read. i see an infinite amount of possibilities. i see opportunities. i see mistakes. i see triumphs. i see good. i see bad. i see happiness. i see sadness. i see souls in many forms. i see the soul of myself. i see the soul of others. i see experiences. i see memories. i see war + love. i see tears. i see smiles. i see lyrics + melodies. i see imperfections. i see stories. i see periods at the end of good sentences + i see run-ons for the never ending stories. i see band aids. i see bruises + scars. i see trophies + success. i see honest lies. i see lieing truths. i see suitcases. i see locked doors. i see clocks. i see love. i see hate. i see winning. i see losing. i see footprints + fingerprints. i see thoughts. i see the 'too lates'+ i see the 'just in times.' i see best friends. i see enemies. i see bitter + sweet. i see obstacles. i see peace. i see naked feelings. i see dreams. i see serene chaos. i see walls. i see blackouts. i see risks. i see comfort. i see walking away. i see staying. i see spontaneity creeping up. i see choices. i see stubbornness. i see humbled moments.

but mostly, i see a timeline. i see a canvas. i see a canvas where if you are having a bad day you can look + remember back to a good day. you can look + see a time in your life where you were a certain emotion. where you were a certain being. where you were a certain you. i see the ability to have the world at your finger tips. where not only can you look back at a certain instance in time but you can endeavor into another. i see blank pages where future moments can be scribed for a reader to read. i see the ability to cherish a moment you never want to forget. that's what life is right? it's all experience. it is all in the moments that only happen once in life. the moments that happen once but trigger a ripple affect + cause the rest of the moments that occur in your life. we, as people, pick up tangible books + utilize them to expand out mind + gain knowledge. well why aren't we using our intangibles? why aren't we using each other to do the same. if anything we all have much more of a story to tell than a book. i mean a book can at most have a couple lessons to teach while us humans have a million. we are all unique + we all have our own significant timeline that we call life. some choose to hide their timeline but i choose to reveal mine. i choose to utilize my body as art. i choose to look in the mirror + wear my heart on my sleeve, literally. i choose to never hide who i am. i choose to allow the souls around me to engage in my life just as much as i have. i choose to let other souls embark on putting their handwriting on my soul. i choose to allow other souls to leave a part of them on me every time they look at me. i choose to let other souls write on me, tangibly + intangibly. emotionally + physically.

there has been such an uproar in our society. one in which i choose to negate in my mind. one in regards to this idea of tattoos. an uproar that negatively points out that they are permanent + that it is 'dumb' to forever get something engraved into your skin. to me this is naive. to me that is hypocritical for someone not only to say but think. how can someone believe it is a bad decision to utilize their body as an art form? how can someone be so naive as to think tattoos are a negative addition to your life? that is like saying anything you post on the internet is dumb + pointless-because if you have all forgotten, once you put anything on the world wide web it is permanently there in the space of dot coms and htmls. people lose jobs because of moments in their lives when they put a picture or sentence up somewhere in the internet world. well ... now society turns our freedom of free speech + our freedom to express ourselves the way we want into a cynical act. society from generations before us are used to a norm + they can not seem to open their eyes external of that 'norm.' they can not seem to see our 'norm' now is not actually normal at all. our 'norm' now is to actually not be part of the 'norm' at all. our 'norm' now is to not only be the story but it is to be the page the story is written on. our 'norm' now is to be the ink + the page. our norm now is to be unique + different. i mean who are we, as beings, to negate our freedoms by subduing to stereotypes that were conceptualized in past generations. who are we to take ten steps back from all that we have worked for to get to the free nation we are now.

our bodies are our stories. our bodies are our templates. our bodies are our vote. they are our change + our choice. who wants a job that won't hire them because they view life a different way. who wants friends who measure them on the amount of stories they have written on their body as opposed to the amount of knowledge they have in their head. haven't we learned since we were children to never judge a book by it's cover. well hell, this is THAT cliche staring us in the face.

each person is their own story + how they choose to portray that is their freedom. each person has a timeline to show. i find the most vulnerable + amazing form of art is that of which we choose to reveal to the world on our skin. if a moment is so important to you that you would tattoo it onto your body then hell yea- get it . that moment is one for the blank page of life. that moment is going to turn into your life's story. that moment is going to be shared with your family, friends, children, peers, and even strangers. that moment is you. that moment is your story. your life lessons. your inspiration. your addition to this world. be proud of wearing your heart on your sleeve. be proud of being who you are and be proud of being an american where this is all an option. life is about the good + bad.

one of the best things i have ever heard was said by jason mraz not too long ago. he said, 'remember tattoos are temporary just like the life that has been given to us.' it is so true right? life is temporary so therefore tattoos are temporary-not permanent. take life as a chance to be your own artist. take life as the opportunity to make a difference + publish your own book. take life as the opportunity to help those to come after you, with life lessons you have learned through the beauty of your skin.

let life write on you, because soon you will forget moments of your life that once were significant. let life write on you, because when you look back you will be able to say, 'damn that was a hard time in my life but it made me who i am.'

we are who we are because of the choices we make. + every choice you make is a good one even if it does not seem like it initially.

i choose to let life write on me + i am damn proud of it. i am damn proud to be an artist. i am damn proud to be a walking story. if you want to judge my book by its cover that is your loss. i choose to tell my story in the process of learning other's stories. i capture my moments + engage in others. i indulge in the ink + i read each page.

you only get 365 days a year to tell a story. what are you doing to remember those days?

a lot to conceptualize isn't it? really think about it + think about if you are writing your life's story the way you want to. if you are not-do something about it, because ultimately everyday we are faced with adversity + the best way to deal with that is not to look in the other direction + pretend it is not there. it is to open your arms to it + really accept it. be it. live it.

whelp that is all for now.

much love,

xoxo
perfectly imperfect
crystal kimberly

turn on your off switch.

sometimes it takes that one last encounter to click something off in your heart and mind. + sometimes that last off click changes your mindset completely + makes you realize exactly what you want + exactly what to do to have it. sometimes that last off click happens to be the best reality click + heart throbbing realization that you ironically needed. sometimes someones happiness means anothers heartache. + sometimes someones heartache means the potential for their own happiness one day.  intangible off switches arent always bad because they result in a lifetime of well functioning on switches. they result in a lifetime of happiness and 'yes' mentality. they result in lovestrong. lovestrong is you. lovestrong is me. lovestrong is us.

much love
xoxo
perfectly imperfect

crystal kimberly

loving stronger.

things are different this time around.

no more mistakes. no more pain. no more tears. no more hatred. no more questions. no more hesitations. i am giving my all to him. i am giving my all to myself. i am giving my all because i am lovestrong.

xoxo
perfectly imperfect
crystal kimberly.


things are different, and i want it that way. things are different + the outcome will be different. i won't get in my own way or his. i wont get in the way of love or my heart. my heart deserves to smile. i deserve to smile. he deserves to smile. we deserve strong love. we are loving stronger.

never be the 'i told you so.'

bloggers- we must stop meeting like this. every couple months i find time to actually sit down and divulge my deepest, darkest secrets into the universe of cyber space. tonight i thought it'd be a perfect time to post a blog with updates. a blog as honest as ever. a blog full of real emotion and truth. a blog that may shock or bother some. a blog that i could care less what anyone thought or judged upon.

i have come to realize that life is absolutely unpredictable. it is a puzzle that never has the same pieces. it is THAT puzzle that you try to smoosh pieces together, yet they never seem to fit. then as soon as you find a piece that has potential, life takes that piece and destroys it just to throw you another.

over the past couple months (plus some) i have battled some hard fights, both internally and externally. both with others but mostly with myself. both tangible fights with people and intangible with memories and thoughts. hiccups of promises never delivered, or never being fully caught when i fell. and throughout this all the one thing i realized was that the pain of walking away has been a serious 'i told you so.'

whispered lies of attempting to hurt someone, all the times of being doubted or being made worse than i was. the pressure of being someone that i was not, or dealing with the realization that i would never be what i needed to be if i continued to subdue myself in its current predicament. these are all things i have pondered and battled.

i know a lot of people may be reading this whom only saw ONE side of things, or those who may THINK they saw both but they really didn't. there is a minuscule amount of people who actually KNOW me for me, and who don't need to conceptualize a 'crystal' because they have seen the authentic crystal, not some presupposed, fictional person in a small town of wandering minds. i'm tired of looking in the mirror and telling myself 'i told you so.' i am tired of feeling shackled up in life. i am tired of not being free.

free of pain. free of guilt. free of hurt. free of weakness. free of judgement. free of pressure. free of a lack of individualism. just free of all negative energy. I've sat and thought a lot about what life is and how i can always better it, because that's what we all want right? to always improve, and get better, and be better, and do better things? that is what life has transformed us into. that is natural human intuition- to be better than your are now. well sometimes to be better we must take risks. we must attempt at putting everything we know aside and do something different because the outcome may be way more beneficial than the alternative.

love what you've hated, and hate what you've loved. smile when you should be sad, and be sad when you think you should be happy. blend when you stand out, and stand out when others think you should blend. sing because you can't, and be mute because you can. fight when others are defeated, and give up when others say fight. be okay because you want to, and don't be okay because others want you to be. write what you feel, and feel what you write. walk where you want to walk, and crawl where you don't.

stop preparing for tomorrow because today is the live event. this is a new found message i re-install into my brain everyday. it is natural for people to plan and plan and plan for the future, but what happens when you get to that future? you keep planning for the future from that point on. does that seem right? no, it seems silly because soon you will realize you kept planning and all that time is gone. in the blink of an eye. you'll be 99 dreaming and counting the ways you can rewind and just live.

this applies to all things. careers, money, love, friendships, family.

i'd say my most significant and recent example would be with love. a love that began masqueraded in friendship lockers at a middle school, and altered into the craziest roller coaster of amazing, detrimental love. it consisted of silly accents and laughing at each other when we fell down stairs. it consisted of natural humor and a bond that no one in this world had. it consisted of funny faces and singing songs the way we THOUGHT they should sound, and not how they did sound, because we thought it was better that way. it consisted of mocking each other for hours and every thursday getting drinks at bars we hated and we knew hated us. it consisted of many attempts of hating each other but failing miserably. it consisted of many attempts at having a serious conversation yet we all know it turned into shits and giggles, because we just couldn't fight for more than a minute without someone making the other laugh.(regardless of the ridiculousness of the comment) this love consisted of a morph between love and hate. friends and enemies. peace and war. strength and weakness. we saw each other at our worst. we saw each other at our best. we lied. we cried. we fought. we gave up. we fought again. we gave up again. we argued. we doubted one another. we ran away. we ran towards each other. we were constantly reminded of each other from things as simple as a song on the radio or a firefly in the sky. we always said its best to move on and then we'd fight to be friends and fail. we could never truly be one due to maturity. there was always a lack of mature ways in our love. we both didn't want to grow up which inevitably destroyed the bond we once had. the love we created was our kind of love. it was a love no one else in the world would understand even if they tried. (and many did try) the what ifs ate us alive, and i finally gave up 100%. i commend us both on our loves journey it humbled me, it made me who i am completely, the good and the bad. i know who i am and i know who i am not. i know who i can be and i know who i can not be. i know i was at fault for A LOT but i also know he was too. we both tried to fix the other, to change ourselves, but really....it just didn't work. that's life.

my point is we were both always planning on how to fix us. we were both planning on a future. we were both planning on the following day and we weren't doing. we were trying..yes...but we weren't doing. planning too much led to our demise. planning too much for what if this changed maybe in the future we could be this. or say this. or feel this.

was it hard to let go? hell yea it was. it was the hardest thing i have ever done. but i really, truly feel like we both put every ounce we had into each other and it was time to be selfish and risk everything for a new beginning. it was time to live in that moment and relieve all pressure off my shoulders. all expectations gone. was it fair? no. but to neither of us.

his voice is like a ghost inside my head, but i think in a good way. he believed in me, regardless of all hurtful things he said. i know he was my biggest fan for over five years and i know in my heart how much he loves me. i know he will find someone who will be what he needs. i just am no longer that girl. i can not be what he needs, i can only be what i need to be. and that is happy.

i have a fresh start at something good. i have a fresh start at a new chapter in my book/life. i forgive but i will never forget, and that is what life is about. we want to treasure our memories and keep creating more. let go of the grips people and things have on you in life. don't be an ash of someone's past. be the spark to another's future. make yourself proud and most importantly don't let someone else tell you that you are a let down. don't look in the mirror and say 'i told you so'. look in a mirror and say i am proud of who i am. i am proud of where i am going. i am proud to be a spontaneous, free spirit who is working towards continuous happiness. because lets face it, happiness is the ultimate being and if you maintain happiness you radiate it, and the world is just a better place and a better memory.

life isn't about finger pointing in the opposite direction, it's about ownership. it's about realizing if things are not okay with you and how to better yourself in order to make another happy. i personally for a long time was not okay with myself because of the relationship i was in. certain actions and circumstances caused me for years to question myself, which in turn effected the relationship even more, and decreased our chance for success. i reached a certain point where i couldn't admit i wasn't okay and i was doing wrong. so i put on a pretty face and tried to fight through things that just felt wrong. i wasn't honest with myself which caused me to be dishonest to another. it's hard to take ownership but guess what...it is necessary. i realized that and i really hope he did too. i don't want him to look in the mirror either and say 'i told you so.' because that's shitty. yea, i said shitty.
if i sat here and said i was completely happy id be lieing to you. fuck- id be an idiot to do so, but i am on my yellow brick road of life. i am becoming free, and i am indulging and risking everything to be who I NEED TO BE, not what someone else needs me to be. and i am okay with that because i know it feels right. i know that im sad we are no longer in each others presence because life is short and i love him more than anything but certain things were just not right for either of us and it was time to let go of a hopeful future and live in a positive present.

i am on a road to loving myself and maybe one day i can love another the way they deserve to be loved. maybe one day another can love me the way i deserve to be loved.

i am not an 'i told you so.' and nor should you. so do something about it.....


xoxo
perfectly imperfect
crystal kimberly

serious saturday.

man-serious saturday. i don't know if i or you are ready for this blog. but is it needed? i think so. on both ends too. i think i need to write out my feelings and i think many need to read them. the whole reason i jumped into writing was to help others + to really be able to vent to others in a non traditional way.

well these past couple years, months, days have been crazy. really they have been monumental to my future. they have shaped me not only as a person but they have transformed my ideals and my habits. they have destroyed me while picking me up. they have altered my way of thinking and forced tranquility when maybe some wouldn't be at peace. i have seen the best and the worst. i have been extremely happy and i have been extremely depressed. i have my 'days'-as does everyone. but those are the days that make me appreciate the good days. those are the days where i look back and am grateful for what i have surrounding me whether that is family, friends, a roof and clothes, or even the talents i have recently started acknowledging that i have. i truly believe to be happy we have to first be unhappy. to be successful we first must fail. to be in love we must first be heartbroken. they all are juxtapositions, yes. however they coincide with each other to form this perfectly imperfect world that just bounces off each other. these bumpy roads are here for a reason. they are here so someone can be sent to us to smooth them out. a fire can only burn bright for so long before someone must aid it to make it brighter than it ever was before. many people may try to let out the fire, and pour water on it until it drowns. however; the strongest fires are the ones that have that tiny spark left in which ignites a twig, thus starting a new fire of life. crazy to think about right? its simple. we fall so we can stand. we cry so we can smile. and we hurt so we can heal.

everyone in this world is not an angel. there are many vultures and the key is to remember this. the key is to surround yourselves with an army of good people. we must always remember who we are and really never give up on our futures. don't be your own biggest anchor dragging you under all the expectations and norms of the world. i am doing what i need to right now to get to where i want to be. there is no shame in that. for the first time i am thinking about ME. i am on a bumpy road to happiness and i cant wait to get to my next intersection. i can't wait to have a crazy roller coaster life where i write about the bad and live the good. i cant wait to look back at what i have done and dream about what i want to do. life is incredible ---all of the time. EVEN when it is bad it is good. really think about that.

comment YOUR thoughts i would love love love to hear them:)

thanks for reading.

xoxo
perfectly imperfect
Crystal Kimberly

new life. new ways. new words.

so i decided in order to devote myself to this blog i am going to do one entry everyday. short or long. happy or sad. the only different thing is i am going to make a theme for everyday. it will go as follows:
monday motivations.
tuesday ticks.
wednesday words.
thursday thoughts.
friday fears.
serious saturdays.
spontaneous sundays.

let me know what you think....+ if there are any other themes you would like to read about. i promise your eyes will glow with the words i bring you everyday.
this is my passion and it is time to really indulge into it.


xoxo
perfectly imperfect
crystal kimberly

<3 p dot s i will be posting later today my serious saturday post!

the game of repair.

too young to love, or is the love just too young?
is he really there, or is he caught in the lyrics being sung?

too much, or too little, or is it just not enough?
is a smooth path worth that trip through the unexpected rough?

simplicity in the eyes since the moment we met.
peaceful bliss in his arms of pasts soon to be wept.

his heart of life lost in hopeful forevers
while mine swings on life's tire of deep, deep endeavors.

sitting in a corner, speaking his soul out
bouncing back and forth between sureness and doubt

lost in friends, lovers, or nothings.
fearful of those dreadful unhappy endings.

temptation of comfort, the dreams of keeping the good alive
temptation to surrender, true love is where we thrive

there can only be one, one word we share.
are we friends, lovers, or nothing each lost in the game of repair.

how to describe what once was the world to you
separated east and west between unsure and a new point of view

attempting to meet in the middle of dark black and white
but lost in the shades of gray, the ones that are just not right

sometimes we get lost in corners while attempting to find the door
Searching and searching, unable to find any more.

While love sits and stares into his eyes
Comfort invades him, unfortunently leading to a hearts demise.

Do we surrender to the lust of a potential
or do we undertake a feeling that seems quite essential?

Fight for the 'it was always you' and let go of the yesterday
Sometimes the memories are better left to purely fade away.

Soon your mind and heart will heal, no longer able remember...
The delicate memories of a past year's December


xoxo
Perfectly Imperfect
Crystal Kimberly

Never too Young

Who ever said there was a time constraint on dreams? Who ever said that we had to wait until we were a certain age to start living? I believe the best time to dream is when we have an open mind. When we are fresh to the world and are still exploring what we truly love. There are times when we reach a certain age where we start to accept the idea of reality and therefore we begin subduing into the 'norms.' Yet if you really think about it, aren't we just accepting the perception of what a reality is or what it should be? And what is a 'norm' anyway? Personally I believe when a certain age is reached we just let go of our dreams and stop working hard for them, because we want an excuse to fail. Why? Because that is what is expected of us. Really that is how a 'norm' becomes a 'norm', isn't it? People begin letting go of who they are and becoming what everyone else is. The fear of not fitting in and the fear of failure overtake us in many ways. However; I have been significantly enlightened over the past couple months.

Young talent. That is something that is taken for granted too often. I have had the privilege of meeting a young gentleman who is a firecracker of passion. He actually reminds me much of myself. Every moment of everyday coming up with a new lyric, or spitting some new rhymes. Everyday thinking of something else he would like to pursue whether that is rapping, acting, or losing himself in the music realm forever. Not only is he full of a passion most lack, but he is a hardworking individual just looking to live life to the fullest. At a mere nineteen years of life he has developed a talent you don't just see in just anyone. He raps his heart out everyday inspired by the REAL things in HIS life. He doesn't waste his time throwing out words of hatred towards things in life, rather he dabbles about the true ups and downs he has endeavored through thus far. And at NINETEEN! If he's already harmonizing the world of music with such passion at this young age who knows what he is capable of in the years to come.

This gentleman's name is Frank Emmi, also known as Prince. I'd describe his persona ,in music, as someone who is looking to make his own stance in the music business. He would much rather be real and upfront as opposed to being someone he is not or even trying to compare to other people already developed in the business. Fresh, young talent. That is what Frank brings to the table and he is willing to put his life in a gamble in order to pursue his passion. His love. His life.

Check out his YouTube channel to hear more from him at http://www.youtube.com/user/fje1123?blend=1&ob=video-mustangbase . Comment and let him know what you think. Also keep an eye out for him on twitter. His name is @SnapCittyboii - Mix tapes and music videos to come soon!:-)


Remember you are never too young to dream. You are never too young to live. And you are never too young to be yourself.!. Don't fall to the perceptions of reality. Do you and who cares what anyone thinks. You can't be successful if you don't try and if you do try and fail... Who cares! Would success really be worth it if you didn't have to fight for it? No. At least I do not believe it would. Think about it.

Much Love,

Xoxo
Perfectly Imperfect
Crystal Kimberly

time.

'life is too short to even care at all. I'm losing my mind, my mind, my mind. I'm losing control.' -young the giant.

what is time anyway? is it the days on a calendar and the minutes on a clock? or is time merely something this world has created to make life past by? the past couple months i seem to have lost myself in work - more so than i ever have before. sadly, i work twelve, thirteen, fourteen hour days...and for what? to earn a paycheck...to ultimately break even paying bills? what is the typical response to this statement? well it's 'that's life.' well...is it? or is that what we make life? shouldn't life be more than that? shouldn't life be something we love in and out, upside down and right side up? shouldn't we look forward to the weekdays as much as we do the weekends? shouldn't we enjoy exploring into the seasons while enjoying the one we are currently in? it's hard to reflect on these thoughts when you are always running around doing this and trying to do that...but i have been slapped with reality in the past month and it's made me realize why I've always been a dreamer.

when i was a dreamer ...my dreams came true.

when i settled to being a realist...i fell victim to the accepted 'norm' we call life. i settled to what the typical life is....routine and boring.

not even eight months ago i was driving across the country, working on music videos, being spontaneous, seeing the world in a completely different mindset. I've allowed myself to get caught in the life i never wanted. and guess what...today i slapped myself in the face and woke up. i reminded myself that time isn't something to speed up. time is something we should want to slow down and spend doing things we WANT to do and NEED to do to be ....well happy to say the least.

i refuse to allow tomorrow to be another X on the calendar. i refuse to trade my time for X's. for days lost. before i knew it I looked into the mirror and i've become a twenty three year old. i need to snap out of comfort and typical endeavors in order to really live. i actually am so beyond excited to do so. i love my life and the people in it. i love that everyday i meet someone new. in fact- the other day at work i had an hour long conversation with an individual who works for the United States government. this individual dedicates his life to being the liaison between countries in eastern Africa and the USA fighting for funds to help those with diseases. those that have no ability to help themselves due to the lack of money in their non existent pockets. i learned so much from him and we shared many similarities and passions. he is one of many that i have met who have traveled and seen this world in a different light and it makes me driven to do the same.

it's not enough to want something...you need to fight for it. fighting leads to ability and potential which leads to a chance of doing, which ultimately is living.

everyday i undress new words. everyday i love and i lust. everyday i dream and settle. everyday i ponder and do. everyday i look for ways to improve and everyday i smile. i smile because; i know who i am, what i have done, what i want to do, and what i can do to get to where i want to be. i want to change lives. i do not want to just exist in the mold of things. i want to be the 'exception.' i want to take every second on a clock and do something with that second that will make a difference. cliche and corny? maybe. but that's me:-). take it or leave it. crystal's back yah'll. i can't wait to begin writing on this every week again and sharing a deeper insight into my life and others!

how i have missed you all!! :-)
Much love<3

xoxo
Perfectly Imperfect
Crystal Kimberly

beautiful.

its a beautiful night + a beautiful life.
the look in your eyes + the look in mine.
we are all breakable + we are all extremely strong.
we are all lovely + we are all ugly.
we all fight + we all give up.
we all see half empty glasses but fill them right away.
we all want greener grasses but we all subdue to the empty bottles.
everyone wants to be who they are + everyone falls for who they aren't.
everyone wants to stand out from the crowd + everyone wants to hide behind the shadows of others.
we all try to get what we want + we all fail to get what we need.
we've all been too in love to let it go but we've all been too buried in pain to ever hold on.
we've all been melted by his smile + we've all cried from his words.
we all hate to show emotion but we all sing our feelings from wall to wall.
today is the day we live in, yet tomorrow is the day we strive for.
we all see that special someone like no one else ever will + we all wish we could be the one to show them the view from our eyes.
everyone walks in intending to be ten minutes early + everyone walks in fifteen minutes too late.
the little things intrigue us all but the little things are the secrets we never tell a soul.
we all sing our hearts out behind the wheel of our cars but we all remain silent in front of the judgement of others.
we laugh at what happened when we were young + we all bite our lips from the potential of what will happen when we are older.
there are moments when we surrender to being a good person + their are moments where we drown in bad intentions we hardly admit.
sometimes there is regret swimming in our thoughts but sometimes there is a mannequin of distress that's been all picked up.
many questions reign in our minds....many questions remain unanswered

but my question is- are you the person you envision yourself being?
do you pursue the lovely?
or are you cutting yourself short +
falling to the ugly?

Perfectly Imperfect
xoxo
Crystal Kimberly

point of intersection.

was i two years too early or am i two years too late?
did today happen because yesterday didn't?
or did our love come with a due date?




thoughts of the ultimate let go rage in the walls of my mind.
ill move out of the way for you.
for, to me your feelings are undefined.

this cage of rib bones is all there is to protect my heart from what i thought was a forever.
locked behind fragile memories.
two years later i found the lost key of a loves past endeavor.

when was the last time you laughed a true laugh or felt a sincere connection? perfection walked away two years ago by choice.
but what if we were meant to walk into this point of intersection?

should i be singing of giving up for you?
or should i be the stronger person?
+ should i continue to fall deep into each and every point of view?
or would that take this situation but just worsen?

secretly- every wound heals when around your presence.
every worry leaves my soul.
but the good in me says at what expense?
at what emotional tole?

a heart is broken in any direction you choose.
whether you take the right on red or go straight through your gut of green.
this intersection will inevitably leave someone with a bruise.
For who that is, that's a decision completely unforeseen.

i think i am sick of love...or maybe love is sick of me.
a hand no longer held, was letting go + now sitting at this yellow light.
the hardest part was not taking part in what my thoughts wish could be.
For I want to take the book of life, tear two years out, and carefully rewrite.

rewrite my feelings honest from the start
letting go of the fear
avoiding two hearts from ultimately falling apart
showing true, honest love at it's season premiere

the saddest part is i will see you soon.
i will crawl into your arms for a friendly hello.
but my mind will be lost in thoughts of how our hearts are not immune.
they are not immune to all they must undergo

we're not immune to the need for support
we're not immune to knowing our worth + wanting to feel it everyday.
we're not immune to wanting a love that doesn't fall short.
we're not immune to wanting someone to meet you halfway.

your eyes are of all beauty and truth
i won't pretend to feel regret for our hearts eventually mend
not to be lost in the love we feel in youth
but i don't know if i could ever take this situation and just call you a friend.

Perfectly Imperfect
xoxo
Crystal Kimberly

intelligence.

What is intelligence? When reading into that word what do think of? The dictionary states intelligence is the ability to learn, reason, and understand. But really is that all? Is that it? Does it mean rattling off countless facts that you have accumulated throughout your years, or maybe it means being able to think on your feet? I guess there are many ways to interpret the word intelligence but if you think about it... that is intelligence in itself, isn't it? Conceptualizing and forming an opinion of the true meaning of the word? When attempting to do this I found that the best way to define the word intelligence is to actually define the opposite. What is the adverse to intelligence? Stupid? Dumb? Apathetic? Well...honestly i think it is ignorance. Wouldn't the opposite of the ability and want to learn, reason, and understand be to not care to gain knowledge? Ignorance is the state or fact of being ignorant; lack of knowledge, learning, and information. Therefore; if someone is ignorant they can't be intelligent...right? When you have the competence to constantly push yourself to learn new things, and accumulate more knowledge you become intelligent. When you remain naive, prideful, and apathetic and stay at a certain level of knowledge without the drive for the improvement of the mind... that is when you become ignorant. Intelligence is all about the grind and continuous determination. It is about taking an initiative to adapt to our rapidly changing society. It is all about growth. Also wouldn't you agree that there are different levels and kinds of intelligence? A social intelligence, artistic intelligence, and that of a factual intelligence? Some individuals are driven socially as opposed to intrinsically. Those that are intrinsic want to solely better themselves, those that are artistic thrive in learning more about the creative intelligence, and then there are those whom are more dependent on the ability to be social.

Intelligence is a word of many meanings. It is much more complex than knowing your ABC's and 123's. Yet the most significant part of the word intelligence is ability. We all have the ability to get to a certain level of intelligence. With some it comes easy, and with others it is developed over a sum of time. Possessing the passion to continue to challenge yourself to grow you increase your level and progress as a person; socially, artistically, factually, and overall. Our brains are like instruments. They have to be tuned from time to time and in that process taken care of. Once we learn how to do so we can grow as individuals and develop into more well rounded beings.

Perfectly Imperfect
xoxo
Crystal Kimberly

nightly gratitudes.

i'm grateful for truth.
i'm grateful for 'if i could then i would'.
i'm grateful for the melody of music.
i'm grateful for knowing what i am worth.
i'm grateful for my abilities to utilize words the way i do.
i'm grateful for the happiness i get whenever he texts.
i'm grateful for coldplay.
i'm grateful for fear being the heart of love.
i'm grateful for weekly lunch dates with my best friend.
i'm grateful for finally being okay with being vulnerable.
+ i'm grateful for hardwork turning into success.

Perfectly Imperfect
xoxo
Crystal Kimberly

Is love selfish or is it selfish to love?

You know… we lose ourselves in so many things in this life. We get so wrapped up in our time and how to best utilize it. But if you were to think about what you lose yourself most in…that would be our loves wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t you agree that we spend most of our time reaching for the ability to live out our dreams?

Now our loves and dreams may be; our work, our hobbies, our pets or a special person- But regardless we spend so much time devoting ourselves to these loves … why is it that we find ourselves sometimes feeling guilty when we maybe want more for ourselves? Really…don’t we all just want to find ourselves…don’t we all just want to let our guards down and do what makes US happy? Not necessarily something or someone else happy? You will never know what you don’t know …meaning when you let those guards down it could be the best thing that ever happened to you, but you will never know if you keep them up. I learned that a couple years back.

I think there are a small number of truly, good-hearted people in this world--they always put others first. Now this is an amazing attribute to hold however; this good-heartedness comes with a hefty price. What if your love was making other individuals loves come true? What if your love wasn’t as significant to someone else as it was to you. For instance; we have people out there who are not capable of seeing their true abilities to grow. They are fine with settling and they are fine with mediocre ambitions. Well a person like myself is quite the opposite. I set larger than life goals for myself because I know one day I can attain it, because I am very driven. Because of who I am. Someone else may not think that for themselves, which is fine. Yet as a good-hearted person, wouldn’t you want to help motivate and push someone to reach their full capacity..? To reach their potential....just like you do for yourself? It’s human nature to want to do so. When I see someone who has so much talent, or intelligence, or spark and they do nothing with it…I question why? Why does that person not love to love? Why are they okay with settlement? Why do they not partake in activities to attain a richer life? My natural reaction would be to push that person until they saw for themselves their abilities, but another person would just give up. Is that selfish? I have thought about it for the past couple days…and to be honest I don’t think so… I think any ‘normal’ (what is normal anyway?--I hate using that word) rather a lot of people would choose themselves over another. They would choose to let go of helping one reach the ability to love something, in order to maybe spend that time reaching their owns loves. And you know what…I think that’s okay. If you see something in the world that would make your life potentially a better life…wouldn’t you want to reach out for it? Wouldn't YOU want to push YOURSELF , (just like you were trying to push that other person) to gravitate towards reaching another love for yourself as opposed to pushing someone who never really loved a love? Ideally isn’t that what you would be doing as the good-hearted individual? You would be pushing a person to reach for something they really never wanted, as if your love of helping someone actually conceptualized a love that was never there for that person? I don’t know that’s just my take on it. I think love should be patient, love should be kind but it should also be true. True love can be to yourself and not always towards someone else or something else.

Sometimes I pace back and forth in my own mind wondering what I would of done if I attacked certain loves instead of running from the fire they ignited in my direction? Where would I be now? Would I be more in love or less…? Would I be helping myself more or less…? Would I have been dis servicing someone else by taking my chances with a certain love? Now not to say I regret anything…because every single decision in this life has made me a much stronger person. Love is such a huge part of my life even if it is love of my career, self love, or a person…whatever it may be. If I didn’t know what love felt like you wouldn’t be reading these words right now. Love is really the best kind of inspiration to pull from. It has every emotion snuggled inside of it battling to come out. But you know what… I believe in more than one chance at A certain love. If you get what you need but not what you want, if you try your best but don’t succeed, when you feel in stuck in reverse, when you lose that something you just cant replace or you love someone and it goes to ultimate waste…do not give up. Do not subdue to the defeat but rather fight harder. If it is your love…(you career, a person, any venture) it is worth fight. It IS worth it. If you never try you will never know. Is it selfish to fight for something when it’s not yours? No. Life is a spiderweb of loves intertwined with one another to bring us to a blissful happiness. Loves are Loves whether they are yours or someone elses. Just be able to draw the line between what is truly your love and what someone elses is. You do not want to be stuck, twisting and turning on the spiderweb of life unable to move forward. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, regardless of the circumstances, in order to be happy ....and guess what? That is okay.

xoxo
Perfectly Imperfect
Crystal Kimberly

nightly gratitudes.

So tonight is going to be a little different then most. Tonight I am going to talk about only one thing I would like to dedicate my gratitude to.

'Season Premiere video is amazing! Great stuff, would like to see more of this band'
'The Season Premiere's music video was PHENOMENAL!!'
'I love love The Season Premiere's music video! It's more than pretty amazing and the ending is golden. :) Not to mention, now I can't get Anything But Love out of my head...:)'
'The song Anything But Love by the Season Premiere was awesome! I can't stop listening to it!'
'The featured video by the season premiere, is awesome. catchy song, great lyrics, and incredible video - extremely talented guys and stoked to hear more!'
'Ni**a I aint made of money but The Season Premiere's new video is gold.'
'Just saw The Season Premiere's new Anything But Love video and I am in love...amazing video!!!'
'Great job with the music vid, Crystal Kimberly!!! I was so impressed--great job putting this all together, and I wish you tons of success!!'
'Um, Loved the video. :) The videography was awesome--angles, light, everything. And the music is awesome. :)'

Above is a very small taste of some of my favorite comments left on the Glamour Kills Facebook Wall since yesterday when we released the video for 'Anything But Love'. Never did I think a year ago when Justin and I were talking across the country to each other (he in Tempe, AZ and myself in Albany, NY) that this would be happening. That this much positive feedback would be coming our way. Hell never did I think I would get a three person crew together to drive across the country with a couple hundred bucks in our pockets that we raised through Kickstarter. The boys of The Season Premiere have really changed my life...all corniness aside. I am not just referring to the video and the career opportunities...but I'm more so referring to how real, talented, down to earth, passionate, unique, and insane these boys are. Their music brings such a catchy, uplifting, 90s throwback feel that I think maybe the music realm has lost touch of. Their music isn't just about the cliches but the true and bare emotions that they personally have endured in their lives. Isn't that what music is supposed to be about? I know it used to be.

Less than a month ago I was sitting in Justin's car with Jami(part of my lovely crew), Travis, and Terrence listening to the full EP (to be released on the 23rd of August) called 'For All the Lovers' for the first time. And I remember to this moment how lost,in the most amazing way possible, that I got in the music. Maybe that's because I knew where a lot of the stories told in the melodies came from, but maybe it was also because of the sound they offer through each note Justin sings, to the smoothness of Travis's back up vocals and raw guitar talent, to Riley's insane ability to pound his heart into every beat of the drum, and Terrence's love to strum the bass. Yes 'Anything But Love' is a catchy-radio friendly-fun song, but the rest of the EP?! Pheww you better watch out.

I am so grateful for not only meeting these boys but for the opportunity of working with them and helping them live their dreams. The smile across their faces when they pick up their instruments and see a crowd in front of them is just unbelievable. If you doubt The Season Premiere at all as a band go to The Glamour Kills Facebook page and that doubt will surely disappear. I myself know from working at Glamour Kills that they seldomly get a response like that to many bands. The fact that so many people responded in less than 20 hours- over 1300 views on youtube, traffic like crazy on the Glamour Kills Blog, over 175 facebook comments, and tweets up the Wazzoo--is nuts. Quotes right from some of my good friends at Glamour Kills were 'We were so impressed.' 'What the hell did you do right for this to happen?!' Everyone keep in mind The Season Premiere is an unsigned band and I think they have proved it is possible to get somewhere in this music business even if unsigned. Mike Gentile from Hey Monday, Mark from Glamour Kills, Brian the lead singer of The Summer Set, Craig Owens of Drugs, The Gunz Show, and The Downtown Fiction are just SOME of the people already in the business who believed in The Season Premiere enough to spread the love.... That's not even including the hundreds of fans, family members, and friends who took the time to listen, enjoy and spread our hard work. Now it's your turn....what do you think? Check out our video at www.glamourkills.com/blog and you will be just as amazed.

I think we were all very lucky to meet one another and I know we all appreciate one another more and more everyday. ( Love you boys-Justin, Travis, Terrence, Riley and Matt & to my crew all the love in the world- Jami, Alex ,Dan & Joe)

I am grateful for yesterday. I am grateful for today. I am grateful for tomorrow. I am grateful for them. and I am grateful for us.

xoxo
Perfectly Imperfect
Crystal Kimberly