bloggers- we must stop meeting like this. every couple months i find time to actually sit down and divulge my deepest, darkest secrets into the universe of cyber space. tonight i thought it'd be a perfect time to post a blog with updates. a blog as honest as ever. a blog full of real emotion and truth. a blog that may shock or bother some. a blog that i could care less what anyone thought or judged upon.
i have come to realize that life is absolutely unpredictable. it is a puzzle that never has the same pieces. it is THAT puzzle that you try to smoosh pieces together, yet they never seem to fit. then as soon as you find a piece that has potential, life takes that piece and destroys it just to throw you another.
over the past couple months (plus some) i have battled some hard fights, both internally and externally. both with others but mostly with myself. both tangible fights with people and intangible with memories and thoughts. hiccups of promises never delivered, or never being fully caught when i fell. and throughout this all the one thing i realized was that the pain of walking away has been a serious 'i told you so.'
whispered lies of attempting to hurt someone, all the times of being doubted or being made worse than i was. the pressure of being someone that i was not, or dealing with the realization that i would never be what i needed to be if i continued to subdue myself in its current predicament. these are all things i have pondered and battled.
i know a lot of people may be reading this whom only saw ONE side of things, or those who may THINK they saw both but they really didn't. there is a minuscule amount of people who actually KNOW me for me, and who don't need to conceptualize a 'crystal' because they have seen the authentic crystal, not some presupposed, fictional person in a small town of wandering minds. i'm tired of looking in the mirror and telling myself 'i told you so.' i am tired of feeling shackled up in life. i am tired of not being free.
free of pain. free of guilt. free of hurt. free of weakness. free of judgement. free of pressure. free of a lack of individualism. just free of all negative energy. I've sat and thought a lot about what life is and how i can always better it, because that's what we all want right? to always improve, and get better, and be better, and do better things? that is what life has transformed us into. that is natural human intuition- to be better than your are now. well sometimes to be better we must take risks. we must attempt at putting everything we know aside and do something different because the outcome may be way more beneficial than the alternative.
love what you've hated, and hate what you've loved. smile when you should be sad, and be sad when you think you should be happy. blend when you stand out, and stand out when others think you should blend. sing because you can't, and be mute because you can. fight when others are defeated, and give up when others say fight. be okay because you want to, and don't be okay because others want you to be. write what you feel, and feel what you write. walk where you want to walk, and crawl where you don't.
stop preparing for tomorrow because today is the live event. this is a new found message i re-install into my brain everyday. it is natural for people to plan and plan and plan for the future, but what happens when you get to that future? you keep planning for the future from that point on. does that seem right? no, it seems silly because soon you will realize you kept planning and all that time is gone. in the blink of an eye. you'll be 99 dreaming and counting the ways you can rewind and just live.
this applies to all things. careers, money, love, friendships, family.
i'd say my most significant and recent example would be with love. a love that began masqueraded in friendship lockers at a middle school, and altered into the craziest roller coaster of amazing, detrimental love. it consisted of silly accents and laughing at each other when we fell down stairs. it consisted of natural humor and a bond that no one in this world had. it consisted of funny faces and singing songs the way we THOUGHT they should sound, and not how they did sound, because we thought it was better that way. it consisted of mocking each other for hours and every thursday getting drinks at bars we hated and we knew hated us. it consisted of many attempts of hating each other but failing miserably. it consisted of many attempts at having a serious conversation yet we all know it turned into shits and giggles, because we just couldn't fight for more than a minute without someone making the other laugh.(regardless of the ridiculousness of the comment) this love consisted of a morph between love and hate. friends and enemies. peace and war. strength and weakness. we saw each other at our worst. we saw each other at our best. we lied. we cried. we fought. we gave up. we fought again. we gave up again. we argued. we doubted one another. we ran away. we ran towards each other. we were constantly reminded of each other from things as simple as a song on the radio or a firefly in the sky. we always said its best to move on and then we'd fight to be friends and fail. we could never truly be one due to maturity. there was always a lack of mature ways in our love. we both didn't want to grow up which inevitably destroyed the bond we once had. the love we created was our kind of love. it was a love no one else in the world would understand even if they tried. (and many did try) the what ifs ate us alive, and i finally gave up 100%. i commend us both on our loves journey it humbled me, it made me who i am completely, the good and the bad. i know who i am and i know who i am not. i know who i can be and i know who i can not be. i know i was at fault for A LOT but i also know he was too. we both tried to fix the other, to change ourselves, but really....it just didn't work. that's life.
my point is we were both always planning on how to fix us. we were both planning on a future. we were both planning on the following day and we weren't doing. we were trying..yes...but we weren't doing. planning too much led to our demise. planning too much for what if this changed maybe in the future we could be this. or say this. or feel this.
was it hard to let go? hell yea it was. it was the hardest thing i have ever done. but i really, truly feel like we both put every ounce we had into each other and it was time to be selfish and risk everything for a new beginning. it was time to live in that moment and relieve all pressure off my shoulders. all expectations gone. was it fair? no. but to neither of us.
his voice is like a ghost inside my head, but i think in a good way. he believed in me, regardless of all hurtful things he said. i know he was my biggest fan for over five years and i know in my heart how much he loves me. i know he will find someone who will be what he needs. i just am no longer that girl. i can not be what he needs, i can only be what i need to be. and that is happy.
i have a fresh start at something good. i have a fresh start at a new chapter in my book/life. i forgive but i will never forget, and that is what life is about. we want to treasure our memories and keep creating more. let go of the grips people and things have on you in life. don't be an ash of someone's past. be the spark to another's future. make yourself proud and most importantly don't let someone else tell you that you are a let down. don't look in the mirror and say 'i told you so'. look in a mirror and say i am proud of who i am. i am proud of where i am going. i am proud to be a spontaneous, free spirit who is working towards continuous happiness. because lets face it, happiness is the ultimate being and if you maintain happiness you radiate it, and the world is just a better place and a better memory.
life isn't about finger pointing in the opposite direction, it's about ownership. it's about realizing if things are not okay with you and how to better yourself in order to make another happy. i personally for a long time was not okay with myself because of the relationship i was in. certain actions and circumstances caused me for years to question myself, which in turn effected the relationship even more, and decreased our chance for success. i reached a certain point where i couldn't admit i wasn't okay and i was doing wrong. so i put on a pretty face and tried to fight through things that just felt wrong. i wasn't honest with myself which caused me to be dishonest to another. it's hard to take ownership but guess what...it is necessary. i realized that and i really hope he did too. i don't want him to look in the mirror either and say 'i told you so.' because that's shitty. yea, i said shitty.
if i sat here and said i was completely happy id be lieing to you. fuck- id be an idiot to do so, but i am on my yellow brick road of life. i am becoming free, and i am indulging and risking everything to be who I NEED TO BE, not what someone else needs me to be. and i am okay with that because i know it feels right. i know that im sad we are no longer in each others presence because life is short and i love him more than anything but certain things were just not right for either of us and it was time to let go of a hopeful future and live in a positive present.
i am on a road to loving myself and maybe one day i can love another the way they deserve to be loved. maybe one day another can love me the way i deserve to be loved.
i am not an 'i told you so.' and nor should you. so do something about it.....
xoxo
perfectly imperfect
crystal kimberly
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