the equality of love.

to be loved or to love more.

i can't help but ponder about a conversation that my best friend + i had last week. the question i was asked was, in a relationship of two people, does one of those individuals love the other more? in a serious relationship, where both people confess to being madly in love, is there one of them that is actually more in love than the other?

well.. my initial thought is yes. in twenty five years, as many of those close to me know, i have been in a decent amount of relationships. welp, i would go as far as to say there has been minuscule amounts of time in my life where i was actually single. throughout all of those relationships there has always been someone whom i believed was loved less. sometimes it was the person i was with + sometimes it was me. of course at that moment + time i wasn't knowing of this, but looking back analyzations show truth that the relationship did not work, because the love was not equal. but then again ... someone could argue that it was not true or real love if someone was being loved less. love is supposed to be equal. love is supposed to be mutual. love is supposed to be free + real. right? so really how can someone conclude that? who are we to compare each others feelings? that is like comparing our suffering with another's suffering. my love is different than your love. my way of showing love is also different than someone else's way. yes, there are societal expectations of how to show love or how to be in love, but there is no concrete right or wrong way to BE IN love.

love is precious + delicate. well, so are we. we each have had our own experiences. we each have had our own struggle. our own past. you cant take love + life + put numbers to it. feelings are not statistics. feelings are vulnerable + ever changing. love is unique + imperfect. it is not comparable as much as we in this society try to make it. all the medium out there that portrays the 'ideal' act of love- just because love is portrayed in certain ways on the television, in a movie or book, or even in a melody to a song... those outlets of that view of love are there, but it doesn't mean those are the only ways to love or be loved. if someone is in a relationship they have a relationship that NO ONE else in this world has. why? well because you are the only YOU + same goes for the other person in that very relationship. no one else in this world can have that. meaning, how would you ever know if one of you loved the other more? you wouldn't. i mean...you could presume or convince yourself that you love your significant other more because they say 'i love you' less or they don't buy you a gift just because like you do. but isn't that what gets in the way of love in the first place? aren't we distracted by the ideal, perfect love BECAUSE of society? + doesn't that 'ideal love' cause our relationships to fight + struggle + hurt? yes it does. simple answer.

so to me the question is not really, does someone in a relationship love more than their significant other? the question is are you TRULY in love? + guess what? the only way to find that out is to live + love them. it is to grow with that person +  if nothing else learn from each other. people may look at me and think, 'gosh she has been in many relationships.' but who cares? i sure don't. love is an amazing thing. i do not regret a single thing in this world. + i do not care what others think. i only care that i am now certain; due to my past experiences, past loves, past mistakes, that i have found my true love. my penguin. my soul mate. it may have taken years of heartbreak. it may have taken thinking i was in love when i was not. + it may have taken me being in love + losing that to see that my current relationship is equal. it imperfect + real at the same time, + that kind of makes it perfect.

in conclusion; i find questioning whether you are in a relationship where the love is not equal to actually be your loves demise. love is about trusting. if you trust your love + your significant other...let time + life show you if you are equal. if you are meant to be. there is no real concrete way to tell if you are both loving equally. this isn't an equation or a class for one semester in school. this is life + you should be fair to yourself. love fully + everything else will fall into place.

it is something to think about. i love you all. thanks for reading + if you have a different thought process tell me! i'd love to hear them!

xoxo
perfectly imperfect
crystal caisse

nightly gratitude's.

so it has been some time since i have confessed my gratitude's to the universe. i find it necessary to reveal this vulnerable self. to discuss what + whom i am thankful for. it keeps a certain sense of humility + self awareness. it rejuvenates my mind. it makes life almost have more of a meaning. more of a purpose. but most importantly my entries for nightly gratitude's reminds me of what is important + why i am where i am. too often we, as humans, get caught up in the busy day to day tasks. too often we get lost in routine + we lose that spontaneous charisma. we forget, rather lose, that spark that makes life interesting.

since my last nightly gratitude entry a lot has changed in my life. a lot has happened, both good + challenging. i have grown from the twenty year old i was when i started this blog to the twenty five year old i am now.

thus ...

i am grateful for the timeline that creates a life.
i am grateful for the challenge of true love.
i am grateful for my best friend, jami schultz, a.k.a jami james.
i am grateful for second chances.
i am grateful for a forgiving heart.
i am grateful for risk taking.
i am grateful for a driven mind.
i am grateful for dreams having the ability to become reality with the right fight.
i am grateful for freedom.
i am grateful for my past experiences.
i am grateful for kindness, from myself to others + from others to myself.
i am grateful for who i have become in such a short amount of time.
i am grateful for the strength that i have inherited from both my parents + the tribulations of the past.
i am grateful for mistakes.
i am grateful for being lovestrong.
i am grateful for the lifestyle being a vegetarian has brought me.
i am grateful for the dangerous yet beautiful force of hope.
i am grateful for never being ordinary.
i am grateful for the laughing my soulmate brings to me.
i am grateful for my ability to never have given up on love in my twenty five years of life, because if i had given up i would of never met the person i would spend the rest of my life with.
i am grateful for him.
most importantly... i am grateful for the universe. the universe gives me the ability to 'want it all.' the universe has enabled me to dream. the universe has brought to me the good + the bad. the universe has made me who i am today. the universe has created each person, place, or thing to be it's own being. yet the universe leaves it up to us to live out how we want to be. who we want to be. where we want to be. i am grateful for the tools the universe has given me. with those tools i have become who i wanted to become + not what others have wanted or expected. tools such as; a camera to view this universe through my own lens. to create my own perspectives + viewpoints. tools like a keyboard to write my intense feelings + thoughts out in hope of inspiring someone elses universe. or the tool of conversation in which i am able to gain knowledge from others experiences + perspectives. these tools are just some of the many that the universe puts into my hand.


bottom line i am grateful for life + for those who support that life. what are you grateful for? remind yourself of that. i promise it'll create a new you.


much love
xoxo
perfectly imperfectly

crystal kimberly.

critical moments.

so after a month of unemployment i am sitting + reflecting. saying to myself...'what the hell am i doing?' i think, why am i unemployed when i paid 100,000 dollars for this  'pristine' education? this education that is forced into our minds as a must, as a part of 'the american dream.' why have i chosen to quit a job, be so picky with companies to work for, + engage in constant artsy activities? well... after thirty days of reflection + some frustration i can not help but always come back to the want + need for MORE out of life. cliche'? maybe. but hey, cliche's are part of this world for a reason. i looked at my resume + i have done every job i never wanted to. SEVEN years of a lack of passion. i worked solely on the need to pay my loans every month. those loans that i have BECAUSE of the idea of education being this great investment we all must endeavor into. well.. to be frank...if it was such a great investment why am i still living in a small town with a diminishing bank account when i had a 3.8 gpa throughout college? i mean is that measly piece of paper worth that kind investment?

we are told to receive an education from a college of our choice. we are then told to proceed in order to get that amazing job we have all dreamed of our entire lives: a firefighter, an astronaut, a doctor, a journalist, an athlete (hence a little sarcasm) . but what happens when you graduate? six months rolls by + you receive your first loan payment. now you must stop looking for your dream job, + jump into another position just to be able to afford your bills. or there is always the option to go BACK to college to stall from paying your loans... but really all you are doing there is racking up more bills for the future. now this may all sound bitter, but it is reality for more than 37 million americans.

naturally it may seem stupid then that i quit my job when i do have loans to pay. believe me, EVERYONE around me has made that clear. my parents, friends, family. they all ask '...so what are you going to do?!' or there were some that just shook their heads + laughed. however; the timing was essential. everyday being unhappy is not benefiting at all. it isn't good for family, friends, co workers, peers, etc. so i took what i had saved + the lovely money i got back from my taxes + i have been just LIVING. rather than indulging on a crazy vacation, i took a risk + just gave my notice. i have devoted all my free time to getting back in good mental state. i have cleansed my mind + my body. spent time with my family. devoted a lot to my relationship. + things are great. i am redefining who i am as a person + trying to get back on track. that way when i do find the position i would like to pursue i will be fully committed to making it a career. to make a life not just for myself but for my future family.

above is a word i have found that quintessentially defines this time in my life. it has helped me stay on track with my heart + to not give up on MY DREAM. a pessimistic person would look at my situation + say it is a misfortune. i, as a optimistic individual, view everything right now as an opportunity. it was a huge risk giving notice to a job when i had nothing lined up. (of course i have plan b's that i will not go near unless i absolutely have to.) but the best part about a risk is that is brings great reward if your handle it well.

weiji: this is my life right now. i am risking in order to enrich my life.

we must not get swept under ideals of american dreams + corporate structures. just because someone says you should not or could not do something, shouldn't define you + prevent you from being who you want to be. opinion + thoughts of others should not diminish your own opinion + thoughts of this world.  this world is just as much yours as it is everyone else's. it is YOUR decision on how you RISK + ENRICH your life. there is only so much time you can devote to yourself. eventually you will have your own family to support who has their own dreams you must start to support as well. NOW is the time to jump. to be risky + to fall if you have to. we have support systems to help us up when we fall or risk too much. don't be afraid to be blind in a situation. just do. sometimes thinking too much, or writing too many pro + con lists can prevent you from living an experience you would of never lived without jumping.

NOW is your critical moment. what you choose to do with it can impact the rest of your life. so have fun! be real. smile. + stop thinking!

perfectly imperfect
xoxo
crystal kimberly

i love you all.

lullabied love.

lullabied love.

the days felt longer, and the nights felt harder.
seasons changed and it all became a blur.

just when it got so good, it turned so bad.
worries grew and words were never spoken just written on a drawing pad.

question marks filled mason jars while heart beats overtook headphones.
love blew up into a million pieces flying away with the rest of our unknowns.

looking for a hearts shelter, a place to hide away in the night
there it was, in the corner of her sight.

a lullaby, a piece of that love left shattered to the ground
a piece of hope, a lullaby sung and finally found.

so quick, so soon, so lost, so simple.
thoughts ran, and goosebumps turned into a laughs dimple.

peace sat in the shape of a penguin, soulful and free
as one love left, another showed it's face to me.


perfectly imperfect
xoxo
crystal kimberly